ALL THE PILOTS: The Mob Doctor

18 Sep

It can be really, really frustrating to have a lot of experience with how something works, then see it depicted on TV. You know, like lawyers who can’t watch lawyer shows, or cops who can’t watch cop shows, or high school chemistry teachers turned meth cooks who can’t watch Breaking Bad. Something the inaccuracies that the average viewer would never pick up on are just too glaring for an expert to bear.

The Mob Doctor is about a surgical resident, which makes it really difficult for me to sit through. You might not know this about me, but I have dedicated literally hundreds of hours to watching Grey’s Anatomy, so obviously I know a shitload about surgery, and even MORE about surgeons and hospital politics. It’s okay to be intimidated by my expertise, you guys, most people are.

I’m also REALLY good at compartmentalizing different parts of my life, so it was super jarring for me to see how terrible Grace – the titular Mob Doctor – is at concealing from everyone she works with at the hospital that she is a Mob Doctor. Like there’s this one part where Michael Rapaport, the crime boss she’s indebted to, wants her to kill this dude. I say “this one part” but it’s the whole point of the pilot, he’s a federal witness who’s going to testify and put Michael Rapaport in jail, but then he needs surgery so Michael Rapaport is like “Grace, you need to kill this dude in surgery or I’m going to kill your brother.” He tells her this by sending flowers to the hospital with a card that says, in GIANT FUCKING LETTERS, “KILL HIM.” Literally anybody could have opened that card! People are super nosy! And everyone knows that Dr. Grace is banging Dr. Matt Saracen so OBVIOUSLY they’d want to check the card to see what he said or to see if she’s got some other dude on the side, right? At least two different hospital employees had that bouquet before Grace got it! Anyone could have opened the card and been like “KILL HIM? What is that about?” Michael Rapaport, I guess Grace is an amateur at this whole secrecy thing so we can maybe overlook that when you call her, her phone says MICHAEL RAPAPORT: CRIME BOSS WHO IS MAKING ME BE A MOB DOCTOR OR HE’LL KILL MY BROTHER, instead of like JOEY’S PIZZA or UNKNOWN or GRANDPA or JUST YOUR NUMBER, but how could you be in charge of organized crime in CHICAGO of all places and still be sending easy-to-discover notes? What if someone had seen it and told the Feds that were swarming the building about it?

It’s irrelevant though because Grace doesn’t kill the dude, so then Michael Rapaport is like I’M GONNA KILL YOUR MOM, so then she rams his car and makes him chase her to this FORMER mob boss’s house – the former mob boss pays her to administer his insulin shots and is very nice and I thought it was because he was secretly her dad because I always think people are other people’s secret parents but actually he killed her dad way back when – and then the former mob boss shoots Michael Rapaport dead AND IT TURNS OUT HIS PLAN WAS TO OVERTHROW MICHAEL RAPAPORT ALL ALONG! So now Grace is mob doctoring for this old dude instead.

I sort of don’t understand why this show exists, because it so obviously needs to be on cable to be any good, and FOX is probably the closest broadcast HAS to a cable channel, but still, they have limits! They don’t even air scripted programming past ten! Anyway, it wasn’t very good. It was okay and everything if you’re into mindless shows about mob doctors but PROBABLY you’re not. Matt Saracen was there. He’s allowed to operate on people. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Anyway, the best part of Mob Doctor was when Grace explains to this girl who she used to babysit how it’s possible that she’s pregnant even though she’s technically a virgin, and it was AMAZING, because she explained it using Star Wars analogies! The girl’s uterus was the Death Star and the guy’s dick was Luke Skywalker! IT WAS THE BEST! Seriously, I cannot understate my love for this scene, because I thought it was super cool that a grown woman and a teenage girl were matter-of-factly discussing their mutual love of Star Wars and using it to talk about sex. IT WAS GREAT! I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT MY GENUINE LOVE FOR THAT SCENE!

PS Mob Doctor Grace is kind of a giant asshole but they kind of play it like she’s NOT a giant asshole, she just cares a lot! And because of that she is constantly jeopardizing the safety and careers of others. Great job, Grace.

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