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HARDLY ANY OF THE PILOTS: Do No Harm

2 Feb

Before we begin, I would like to inform you all that despite its OBVIOUS AND ASTOUNDING levels of quality, Do No Harm debuted to literally the WORST series premiere ratings anything has ever gotten EVER on a real network, and the fact that it is still scheduled to air a second episode next week is frankly miraculous. THEREFORE I urge you all to sign my internet petition to SAVE DO NO HARM from a swift and unjust cancellation. Also tweet about it! TWEETING SAVES LIVES SHOWS!
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ALL THE PILOTS: Some of the pilots?

1 Oct

So it turns out that All the Pilots was a lot easier to do last year, when I:

a) was unemployed
b) was a part-time student taking mostly online classes that took up a total of three hours of my week, never during primetime
c) had an internet connection faster than dialup and a working DVR
d) had never done ALL THE PILOTS before and still had an unbroken spirit
e) still watched a lot of TV in a general sense but wasn’t super-passionate about any one show

NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE THIS YEAR! Terrible! Plus also so many things were previewed early this year that I feel like buzz more or less took care of itself. Anyway, I still haven’t seen the pilots of Animal Practice [which aired in AUGUST], Made in Jersey, Last Resort, or Elementary, but here’s a quick rundown of everything else:
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ALL THE PILOTS: Guys With Kids

13 Sep

NO COMMENT.

Okay, some comment. I love Jimmy Fallon. I have loved Jimmy Fallon since 2002, and it has not always been an easy road, but ultimately, it’s been a very rewarding one. I love that Jesse Bradford boy. I want, so badly, to love this show. And really, I didn’t find anything especially objectionable about it! Things were funny! People were likeable! Kareem Abdul Jabbar was there because it’s a sitcom and that’s the law I think! Except I’m me and it’s 2012 and this is a traditional multi-cam sitcom complete with laugh track and I cannot do this right now, NOT EVEN FOR YOU, JIMMY FALLON. NOT. EVEN. FOR. YOU. I’ll check back in a month or two to see how it’s going, I swear!

ALL THE PILOTS [and then some]: Go On and The New Normal

12 Sep

Comedy pilots are weird, you guys. Based on pilots alone, you can usually weed out the unbelievably terrible shows – shows like Work It, Are You There Chelsea, that upcoming midseason one where Dane Cook’s on the radio – but it’s much, much harder to figure out which comedies will be great and which ones will be mediocre. Comedies need more time than dramas to find their feet, so the best approach to a sitcom pilot is usually to think about what elements have potential and which ones aren’t working, then see if later episodes adjust accordingly.

Luckily, NBC’s weird-ass promotional strategy meant that Go On and The New Normal both aired their second episodes tonight, so I can do a little bit of that!

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Upfronts 2012: NBC moves Community to Fridays, is the devil, etc.

15 May

UPFRONTS, YOU GUYS! I was going to talk about how upfronts are like Christmas, or my birthday, but it actually reminds me most of senior year of high school, when college decision letters started coming in: I’m glad New Girl got into her #1 pick, but of course she was always going to, I still don’t understand why The Mindy Project was rejected from her early decision school, but I know she’s going to love where she’s headed and it’s a better school anyway, and Are You There, Chelsea‘s pile of rejection letters gives me a wicked rush of schadenfreude – serves her right for that time she wronged me in seventh grade. And of course, Community‘s meltdown over having to go to her safety school is equal parts predictable, delicious, and irritating.

Anyway, on to the new shows:
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You might as well watch this, because it is happening.

14 Feb

Clay Aiken, my reality TV obsession of 2003 + The Apprentice, my reality TV obsession of 2004 = weekly posts about The Celebrity Apprentice. It’s going to be a thing.

[I know all anyone remembers from the first season of The Apprentice – if they remember anything at all – is that Giuliana Rancic is married to the dude who won, and also Omarosa. BUT IT WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! It was Troy and Kwame and their beautiful, perfect BFFery, it was crazy Sam and his cowboy hat trying to sell a dude a thousand dollar cup of lemonade, it was Carolyn and George being total badasses as Trump’s advisors, it was the grand prize on one challenge being a tour of Donald Trump’s hideously tacky apartment, it was the final task being to manage a JESSICA SIMPSON concert. I own the first season of The Apprentice on DVD, you guys. It’s serious between us. As for Clay Aiken, I’ve seen him live three times. THRICE.]

ALL THE PILOTS: Are You There, Chelsea?

12 Jan

Chelsea Handler is an asshole, and she’d probably be the first to say it. Chelsea Handler just loves being an asshole. Two roads diverged in a wood, and Chelsea Handler took the one that would make her look like more of an asshole, and then she did it again, and again, and again, and again.
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ALL THE PILOTS: The Firm

9 Jan

I’M ALREADY TIRED OF PILOTS AGAIN! Ugh, winter.


This photo has nothing to do with anything, but I’m a fan anyway.

If you’re familiar with the book or movie, then it’s very easy to follow this pilot. If you’re not familiar with the book or movie, it’s still very easy to follow along, because the first twenty minutes give some helpful flashbacks in addition to a suspenseful flashforward. If you miss the first twenty minutes, then that’s also fine, because then it just seems like a normal procedural with maybe more ominous SUVs and whatever.

What I DON’T recommend doing if you want to get a firm grasp on this show is what I did: Spend the first half hour of the two-hour pilot half-watching, half-focusing on sorting through a massive pile of papers, because then you catch just enough of the flashbacks and flashforwards to be CONFUSED AS HELL, and you spend an hour and a half going “is she pregnant again? Why are they using their real names if they’re in witness protection? How can he take on such a high-profile case? Won’t the mob notice when his picture’s in the paper? IS THE MOB TRYING TO KILL HIM OR NOT?”

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