Look, I know we all feel really bad about this and don’t really like to talk about it because it makes us feel so shitty about ourselves, but haven’t we all kind of dropped the ball when it comes to keeping tabs on Chad Michael Murray? Taking that into consideration, some of this news is pretty old, but it’s still mostly going to be new to you!
ONE TREE HILL, WE HARDLY KNEW YE because we all stopped watching and even if we checked back in at some point we probably stopped watching again.
My TV told me I’d be getting two hours of OTH, but it actually split up into roughly 45 minutes for a retrospective and an hour fifteen of finale. 45 minutes of “One Tree Hill: Always and Forever” is, as it turns out, about half an hour more than I’m willing to sit through, so I don’t know how most of it went. I got to the part where Mark Schwann said something about how the quote from Shakespeare that closes out the pilot is “very indicative of the show itself,” and then I fast forwarded to the part where they talked about the school shooting episode. Mark Schwann noticed that people always talked about Columbine in hushed voices, and he felt like it was his duty to say something loudly? MARK SCHWANN, EVEERYBODY. NOBODY WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH COLUMBINE, SO HE HEALED OUR NATION’S SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WOUNDS IN AN HOURLONG TIMESLOT ON THE WB. Full disclosure, though: I cried like a baby at that episode.
And then finale! (more…)
WHAT HAPPENED? Oh man, what happened is that I got an actual day job at roughly the same time that Comcast did whatever they did that was supposedly a system upgrade but effectively means I can’t get even broadcast channels without a cable box anymore, THANKS, COMCAST, I’LL GET AROUND TO CALLING FOR A TECH TO COME OUT NEVER, so I just kind of stopped watching everything? I still have a mostly-finished and surprisingly hateful Jane By Design finale recap sitting in a draft somewhere. MORE IMPORTANTLY, though, tonight’s the series finale of One Tree Hill! It sounds EXCITING:
The 10th anniversary of Tric attracts old faces and creates new possibilities.
TELL ME MORE! But first can we talk about how I just INHALED the five episodes of this show that I missed, and they were honestly incredible? I WILL GENUINELY MISS THIS SHOW AND HOW FEARLESSLY NUTBALLS IT IS. Vulture ran something today about all the things that have happened since OTH premiered, and I was super excited about it because I thought it would be like KIDNAPPING! STALKING! FACE-SWITCHING! AMNESIA! AN IMPLAUSIBLE AMOUNT OF PROPERTY OWNERSHIP! A MILLION CELEBRITIES IN TREE HILL! INSIDER TRADING! ESPIONAGE! but instead it was like FACEBOOK WASN’T EVEN IN EXISTENCE WHEN THIS SHOW PREMIERED! We know. Save that shit for when SVU goes off the air, and then shock me with how long it’s been by showing me what cell phones the characters had in the first season.
Anyway, here’s what I missed on One Tree Hill.
Look, just because Chad Michael Murray came back for this episode [“came back” being a loose term, since it seems PRETTY CLEAR that he agreed to shoot for MAYBE an hour and didn’t actually want to visit the set, which, that’s his business, and also this way my girl Sophia Bush didn’t have to deal with avoiding him so it’s all fine by me but WORTH NOTING], doesn’t mean I’m going to talk about it the whole time. Lucas was mostly irrelevant. All his scenes took place at the airport, because he flew into Tree Hill to pick up Jamie and whatever the baby’s name is so he could take them back with him to wherever he and Peyton live so that Haley can freak out all alone in her gigantic scary house. [Remember when the front door to the house and also the cafe were suspiciously left open? Was Haley right that it was Dan? What was that about?] Luke is such a shitty friend, you guys. Like, he offers to stay in Tree Hill and Haley says no, but his brother is missing and maybe dead, why hasn’t he been in Tree Hill this whole time SUPPORTING HIS FAMILY IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME?
Before we begin, you should know that after seeing the preview for 907, which airs tonight, I am preparing to cancel EVERYTHING I have going on for the next year and a half, because I am going to need at LEAST that long to recover from what will happen tonight: LUCAS SCOTT IS COMING BACK, AND HIS HAIR IS DISGUSTING! If I do not post a recap of the episode tomorrow, please know that is it because I have been sent into a Chad Michael Murray coma, and there is no cure.
I don’t even know how to handle this, you guys. Ever since Tara showed up last week, I’ve been trying to figure out why she’s so familiar – was it just that she almost reminded me of Allison Mack? The name Chelsea Kane didn’t ring any bells, so I shrugged it off [read: forgot to look it up] until I was watching this episode, when I finally turned to IMDb and promptly had my mind blown, BECAUSE THAT’S CHELSEA STAUB. The nice thing about my decision to focus this blog on things like ABC Family Original Series instead of, say, Breaking Bad, is that I already have no credibility, so I don’t have to worry about ruin ing it when I say that I know Chelsea Staub from Jonas, the Disney Channel series about the Jonas Brothers, only in the show their last name was Lucas and their band was still called Jonas for some reason. [Maybe their stage surname was Jonas? I don’t remember.] ANYWAY it ran for 34 episodes, and I have seen EIGHTEEN of those [I was hoping it would be something dignified like six, but no], and Chelsea Staub played their stylist/Joe’s best friend/Joe’s sometimes girlfriend, and she was ADORABLE, and now she is Tara, one in a long line of soulless, undeveloped troublemakers whose only purpose is to mess with the main cast’s lives and be as destructive as possible. Congratulations on what I assume was an effort to shed the Disney image that nobody even knew you had, Chelsea
Good news, folks! One Tree Hill has ventured all the way back into nutballs territory, and if the promo for next week is any indication, it’s STAYING there for a nice long while. And the weird flash-forwards from the season premiere are finally coming around – this week we saw Clay and Quinn’s fight from the premiere play out [and then immediately get resolved, duh]. The predictions are coming true! It’s like I’m watching Lost!
After last week’s disappointingly low levels of nutballs, One Tree Hill is back to form this week. I’m just going to get right to the ending, because it’s too good to save for the end: Julian forgot he had one of the babies with him while he was running errands and left him in the car, only to find his parking space swarming with police and paramedics loading the baby onto an ambulance. BABY ON A STRETCHER! I think it was a fakeout to make us think the baby died? but maybe when babies are left in locked cars it’s just standard procedure to put them on adult stretchers and cover them with a sheet, I don’t know. What I do know is that Julian Baker has certainly lived up to his last name, and that maybe Brooke will think twice about naming her new line of designer baby boy clothes Baker Man. The pun’s less cute when your husband almost kills your kid, right?
Someone get me the police, because I have been a victim of FALSE ADVERTISING. Last week, with the flood of unfamiliar faces, I naturally assumed that any characters I didn’t see had left town or been murdered or lost their souls in a deal with the devil or whatever. This was sad in some cases – where’s Keith? I’m sure wherever Keith is, he’s happy and healthy and definitely didn’t get shot by that kid that time and then turn into a ghost, and probably he and Karen have had a kid or two by now and everyone is happy and perfect – but positively blissful in others, because most of the people on this show who aren’t Brooke are just the worst.
Sometimes I think One Tree Hill might be my favorite TV show. Granted, I think this was the first episode I’ve watched in the last four years, and also this is definitely NOT my favorite show, but here is what happens in the first minute: