How to Fall in Love (Hallmark, 2012)

22 Jul

Still suffering from the ugly-duckling syndrome that branded his youth, Harold White (Eric Mabius) hires Annie Hayes (Brooke D’Orsay), the pretty and popular girl he knew in high school, to be his dating coach and help him shed his wallflower approach to romance. Annie even enlists her friend Kim (Kathy Najimy), a waitress at a local diner, to be Harold’s practice date. Annie draws Harold out of his shell and teaches him to win over a new love interest with the help of their shared passion for classic love songs. But when sparks unexpectedly fly between “student” and “teacher,” both Harold and Annie must learn how to make up for past mistakes if they’re going to hold onto true love.

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING, YOU GUYS. Obviously, this is relative: There are better movies. There are better movies with this exact premise. But this movie, with these people, on this channel, is EVERYTHING you could ever want it to be. I started watching twenty minutes in, predicted the rest of the movie after watching for five minutes, was right down to the last detail, and loved it. Granted, the final lines of the movie are a little weird (“You have excellent taste in music.” …Really?), which has the unfortunate effect of tinging my final impression of an otherwise FLAWLESS cable romcom with a little bit of WTF, but otherwise, WHO CARES, EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

SPOILER ALERT! Just kidding, you can’t possible spoil a movie everyone’s already seen forty versions of.
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Upfronts 2012: NBC moves Community to Fridays, is the devil, etc.

15 May

UPFRONTS, YOU GUYS! I was going to talk about how upfronts are like Christmas, or my birthday, but it actually reminds me most of senior year of high school, when college decision letters started coming in: I’m glad New Girl got into her #1 pick, but of course she was always going to, I still don’t understand why The Mindy Project was rejected from her early decision school, but I know she’s going to love where she’s headed and it’s a better school anyway, and Are You There, Chelsea‘s pile of rejection letters gives me a wicked rush of schadenfreude – serves her right for that time she wronged me in seventh grade. And of course, Community‘s meltdown over having to go to her safety school is equal parts predictable, delicious, and irritating.

Anyway, on to the new shows:
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Jane By Design 110: Who cares, Rita wasn’t even in this one. When it aired. Six weeks ago.

17 Apr

This has been sitting in draft form since March 7, the day after the finale aired, and six weeks after the fact is a little late to be posting about an episode but the post was mostly written and also I like closure. This show will be back with eight more garbage episodes this summer, but whether I will actually watch them is truly anyone’s guess. HERE GOES!

I had a very important epiphany a few minutes into this episode: I HATE THIS SHOW. I don’t think I’ve always hated it; I’m sure I would have noticed. But I hate it now. THANKFULLY, it hit a point somewhere in the last third of the episode where it crossed some undetectable line and went from infuriatingly stupid to just hilariously stupid, so, that’s cool.
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One Tree Hill 913: Knowing this show is gone forever makes me feel like a dog ate my heart.

5 Apr

ONE TREE HILL, WE HARDLY KNEW YE because we all stopped watching and even if we checked back in at some point we probably stopped watching again.

My TV told me I’d be getting two hours of OTH, but it actually split up into roughly 45 minutes for a retrospective and an hour fifteen of finale. 45 minutes of “One Tree Hill: Always and Forever” is, as it turns out, about half an hour more than I’m willing to sit through, so I don’t know how most of it went. I got to the part where Mark Schwann said something about how the quote from Shakespeare that closes out the pilot is “very indicative of the show itself,” and then I fast forwarded to the part where they talked about the school shooting episode. Mark Schwann noticed that people always talked about Columbine in hushed voices, and he felt like it was his duty to say something loudly? MARK SCHWANN, EVEERYBODY. NOBODY WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH COLUMBINE, SO HE HEALED OUR NATION’S SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WOUNDS IN AN HOURLONG TIMESLOT ON THE WB. Full disclosure, though: I cried like a baby at that episode.

And then finale! Continue reading 

One Tree Hill 908-912: With liberty and [vigilante] justice for all.

4 Apr

WHAT HAPPENED? Oh man, what happened is that I got an actual day job at roughly the same time that Comcast did whatever they did that was supposedly a system upgrade but effectively means I can’t get even broadcast channels without a cable box anymore, THANKS, COMCAST, I’LL GET AROUND TO CALLING FOR A TECH TO COME OUT NEVER, so I just kind of stopped watching everything? I still have a mostly-finished and surprisingly hateful Jane By Design finale recap sitting in a draft somewhere. MORE IMPORTANTLY, though, tonight’s the series finale of One Tree Hill! It sounds EXCITING:

The 10th anniversary of Tric attracts old faces and creates new possibilities.

TELL ME MORE! But first can we talk about how I just INHALED the five episodes of this show that I missed, and they were honestly incredible? I WILL GENUINELY MISS THIS SHOW AND HOW FEARLESSLY NUTBALLS IT IS. Vulture ran something today about all the things that have happened since OTH premiered, and I was super excited about it because I thought it would be like KIDNAPPING! STALKING! FACE-SWITCHING! AMNESIA! AN IMPLAUSIBLE AMOUNT OF PROPERTY OWNERSHIP! A MILLION CELEBRITIES IN TREE HILL! INSIDER TRADING! ESPIONAGE! but instead it was like FACEBOOK WASN’T EVEN IN EXISTENCE WHEN THIS SHOW PREMIERED! We know. Save that shit for when SVU goes off the air, and then shock me with how long it’s been by showing me what cell phones the characters had in the first season.

Anyway, here’s what I missed on One Tree Hill.

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Jane By Design 109: The line to be Ben Quimby’s camping buddy forms behind me.

29 Feb

The big news this week is that I finally got my computer fixed, which means that if you aren’t watching, you no longer have to take my word for it when it comes to Ben Quimby’s adorability: Now I’ve got gifs aplenty to back it up.

Anyway, this week it became apparent to me that a viewer’s understanding of this show is inversely proportionate to how many episodes they’ve seen. For example, I think it would be very easy for a new viewer to watch this episode and fill in the blanks themselves, but, having seen every single episode of this ridiculous show, I spent most of the hour wondering what the hell was going on and what I’d missed, because nothing makes any sense.

Well, one thing makes sense. One thing makes TOTAL SENSE, and if they used up all their sense on that, then I’m fine, because it was WORTH IT.

Elsewhere, though, we’ve got India pining over a guy we’ve never seen her care about. We’ve got Gray and Jane acting like they’re only just realizing that maybe they don’t trust India. And we’ve got Lulu dumping Billy for never putting her first when actually, their priorities have always been more or less in line. Everything is stupid, basically.
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Jane By Design 108: The One Where I Pretend It’s an OC Crossover

27 Feb

This week on JBD, Autumn Reeser plays a socialite who’s commissioned Donovan himself to design her wedding dress for what’s supposed to be the closest thing America will ever have to a royal wedding. This character has a name and a little bit of backstory; I have ignored it, because this episode is about what happens when Taylor Townsend asks Donovan Decker to design the dress she wears when she marries Ryan Atwood. End of story!
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One Tree Hill 907: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

23 Feb

Look, just because Chad Michael Murray came back for this episode [“came back” being a loose term, since it seems PRETTY CLEAR that he agreed to shoot for MAYBE an hour and didn’t actually want to visit the set, which, that’s his business, and also this way my girl Sophia Bush didn’t have to deal with avoiding him so it’s all fine by me but WORTH NOTING], doesn’t mean I’m going to talk about it the whole time. Lucas was mostly irrelevant. All his scenes took place at the airport, because he flew into Tree Hill to pick up Jamie and whatever the baby’s name is so he could take them back with him to wherever he and Peyton live so that Haley can freak out all alone in her gigantic scary house. [Remember when the front door to the house and also the cafe were suspiciously left open? Was Haley right that it was Dan? What was that about?] Luke is such a shitty friend, you guys. Like, he offers to stay in Tree Hill and Haley says no, but his brother is missing and maybe dead, why hasn’t he been in Tree Hill this whole time SUPPORTING HIS FAMILY IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME?
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One Tree Hill 906: It’s a list of all the nutballs things on this show – make it two notepads.

22 Feb

Before we begin, you should know that after seeing the preview for 907, which airs tonight, I am preparing to cancel EVERYTHING I have going on for the next year and a half, because I am going to need at LEAST that long to recover from what will happen tonight: LUCAS SCOTT IS COMING BACK, AND HIS HAIR IS DISGUSTING! If I do not post a recap of the episode tomorrow, please know that is it because I have been sent into a Chad Michael Murray coma, and there is no cure.
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Turn of the Century Tuesday: MTV Party to Go 2000

21 Feb

Look, I’m not going to lie to you or make this thing into more than it is: Party to Go 2000 isn’t the best CD ever. That’s Now 5; we all know that, and there’s no point in pretending otherwise. But Party to Go 2000, which my friend Rachel gave me for my twelfth birthday, is honestly an amazing specimen, and now that I have a car with no aux jack or tape deck and have dragged out all my CDs, it is basically all I want to listen to for the rest of my life. What’s most important about it, and the reason that it survived this summer’s Great CD Purge, is that it’s BEST in CD form, because the songs are all mixed to transition into each other and it sounds ridiculous broken up into individual tracks.

Wikipedia tells me that Party to Go was a decade-long series and that this was the penultimate installment. Clearly, once 2000 was finished and ready to go, the powers that be at MTV realized they’d never top it, so they put out a remix edition, called it a day, and switched over to reality shows about teenagers.
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